Anyone else feel like universe has its finger on the poke for reactions button of my soul and keeps on pressing it like an impatient toddler on an elevator? Totally not asking for a friend; asking because I do not like the thoughts of being alone in this kind of energy.
I can not help but think back thru this journey of mine. From the start of feeling like there was a bigger "something" calling me to step out and learn and grow. On to the moments where I questioned every part of my sanity (or lack there of it). All the way to the stepping out moment and all the worry that came with that moment about how people would look at me. To the now, where one would think the path would be "easy". However, I am slowly (and stubbornly) starting to accept that easy is a human construct to help keep hope alive when the light is not able to be seen at the end of the tunnel.
I giggle now at the naive thought that I have carried for so long..... That if i could just get to a certain space in my spiritual journey things would be easy and the tests and struggles would be over. I am not upset with myself for having those thoughts because during the dark times of the journey that was the only thought that kept me going down the rabbit holes. The thought that at some point a sweet relief would come and the word easy would enter back into my life. Relief did come but not in the ways my human mind expected it to.
So here we are today. I wanna scream to the universe "I have done the work. I have stepped out in faith. I have faced the dark night of my soul... more than once. What the fuck else do you want from me?" I wanna find the professor of the universe and see when the tests stop. When do the triggers stop? When does the universe accept that I am done with all the "hard" stuff and we all just have a life of bliss.
Today as I find myself wondering the logistics of putting the zoo up on the black market somewhere (serious statement that I am fully committed to not committing but love to entertain). A good many of my guides have high levels of smart-ass-ness and they love to use moments like this to show me the space in which I myself can grow and expand.
The time comes when we allow it to come. So many times we are looking to outside forces to let us know when we reach milestones. We do not listen to our inner or higher self near enough. We have accepted programming that tells us we could not possibly have enough knowledge to know these moments for ourselves. So we are constantly looking to the world to tell us that we have made those milestones.
I am in no way saying that outside validation does not hold a space of importance in our lives. Because lets be raw here--- we all need moments where someone tells us how awesome we are. It is so easy to forget those details when we are in the thick of learning moments. I am just pointing out that there is also power in the fact of us being able to see these milestones for ourselves.
When we get to this point we are able to see the triggers that are coming at us. It does not mean they are not there. It does not mean that we do not want to pick up a sword and chop someone's energetic head off. But it does mean that we that we see the moment for what it is; while seeing ourselves for who/where we are. We may want to get pissed off and scream profanities to the wind but we recognize that is coming from a place of hurt within ourselves. So instead we take a deep breath. Label things for what they are. Refuse to judge ourselves because of these epiphanies. Send healing to the dark places within our souls that are calling out for warmth and love. And move forward knowing the rest is out of our ability to do anything about.
At the end of these moments I personally like to reward myself with a gold star, pint of ice cream, glass of wine... or all three. :)
You see the triggers are always gonna be there. The path honestly never gets "easy". But we some how learn to change the narrative to one of which we know we can chop of heads if the time calls for it... but it is not a necessary way of being. We see the badass we have transitioned into and we learn to ebb and flow with the waves that are coming at us instead of trying to waste energy fighting against our own demons.
If you find yourself being triggered...... I really encourage you to scream it out. But make the choice to follow that moment with one that sits with what is happening to you and see where you can heal from the inside out.
Energies are bumpy. Hang in there. Yall got this.
Little ripples make big waves. It matters. You matter.